Are Parents Happy?
Saturday, July 10, 2010 at 11:39AM This week's New York Magazine has a cover story about recent research that suggests that people with children are not so happy. Does this mean the Baby Boom is ending? There seems to be a trend in the media to have cycles in which they promote or discourage parenting. Maybe it's the recession. For me, though, this article raises some challenging questions. First of all, what is happiness? How is it measured? And second, whoever said living with children would make you happy?
I grew up in a family where everyone had several kids and loved being parents but noone ever claimed it was easy or pleasant. Oh yes, there are moments of bliss. Holding a sleeping infant in your arms, smelling his damp, sweet scalp, celebrating accomplishments, or just basking in tender family moments. But, any parent will tell you that those are peak moments in the midst of a lot of stress, distress, heartache, frustration, tedium, and smelly chores. This is no secret! Never was! Like any big job - being a surgeon, landscaping, fishing, building things - it is mostly hard work, lots of risks, and a great feeling when it all works out ok.
That brings me back to my earlier question, how do we measure happiness? I'm "happy" when I get a legal parking space in front of my house. I'm "unhappy" when I have three inches of water in my basement. But those feelings are shortlived and don't compare to how much I love my home in total. I have to walk my dog in all kinds of weather, and fight with him to let me clean his ears, and those vet bills! OK, so you know what comes next...yes, I have a picture of him on the desktop of my computer.
Love and happiness are so complicated and changeable, but we know when we have them, even when we are on the downside of their cycles. They cause the deepest pains, and the greatest joys, the worst anxiety and the greatest contentment.
I guess this article really got to me because I am a year away from an empty nest and the hardest parenting days are over. My house already seems quieter and I find myself staring into strollers longingly. This is another hill on the parenting roller coaster. Loss. Loss of the baby, the toddler, the pre-schooler, the sixth-grader, the teenager. They never come back. And all I can remember are the good times, the busy times, the feeling that my life was not my own and that was a good thing.
I guess that's why so many people look forward to being grandparents. No one ever asks "Are grandparents happy?
L.C.,
Reader Comments (2)
I too was struck (well, irritated really) by this New York Magazine article on Parents and Happiness (or lack thereof).
I remember when I started therapy over 20 years ago, anxiously asking my first therapist, Harriet, if therapy would make me "happy." I remember her pausing for what must have been 5 seconds (it felt like hours as I awaited her response) before she finally said, "Well, not exactly. I think therapy can help you feel happy more of the time, but I think the goal is more about contentment, contentment with yourself and with your life."
I think about Harriet's words often - when my printer is broken just when I have a paper due, when my children are fighting and I'm exhausted, when I'm just feeling blue for no reason. And I think I agree with Harriet. Life, for me anyway, really isn't about happiness - though I do love feeling happy - but it is about contentment, knowing that all (or at least the important things and people) are well in my life.
And maybe this is sour grapes of me, but I also feel that all the pain, suffering, anger and frustration that I have felt in my life (and with my kids) has made me appreciate and enjoy the good things and the good times that much more. I believe that the immense pleasure and love I feel towards my children is in part only possible because of the fury and the sorrow that I can also feel towards them. I think this is partly what you are saying, L.C.?
So, in the end, I guess I do and don't agree wtih the New York Magazine article - kids really have made me more miserable at times, but definitely more content.
Are parents happy? I really don't know how to answer this very simple question. I am a parent too but I cannot answer "yes" straightforward because at the back of my mind there are times when I would think of how easy my life have been when I am not yet a parent. Being a parent comes with a great amount anxiety that makes it hard to answer that simple question.
However, no amount of anxiety experienced by parents from their children can ever overcome the happiness brought by a child's existence in their life.
The "proud parents" phrase I think does not refer only to the parents being proud of their children, but also being proud for themselves for they have succeeded in battling everything in life after the child have been born.
After the the children have grown and left to make a family of their own, the parents cannot directly say they are happy because at the back of their mind the thought that they would be living alone is giving them a hard time to be happy.
And the same goes with the grandparents. It is just a cycle.
"Contentment" as they have said and I would add "acceptance" is the key to being a happy parents and grandparents.